We don’t see and hear ourselves when we are angry, especially when dealing with our kids. We shout, scream, and say things that are considered very mean in an adult world. It’s true that we are tired beyond belief, enraged, and torn apart, but kids only exhaust us because they are so full of energy themselves. Hence, we are unable to keep up. They are hardly responsible for our meltdown, but they tend to pay a price for that as well. Controlling parental anger is hard when deep down inside you feel like you own these children because they are yours. You see, we don’t even own ourselves, let alone our kids. We all are Allah’s amaanah.
I don’t realize the intensity of my behavior until I see someone else doing the same, and immediately I find myself in them. Alhamdulillah! He notifies us before we could think bad about others or before we even try to implant that mustard seed of arrogance in our hearts. What a mercy of Allah! Indeed, He is The Ever-Watching and The Wise!
I realize the severity of my rage when I hear mothers shouting at the tops of their voices. I can hear them despite the fact that we don’t share the same house and sometimes are not even immediate neighbors.
So I would like to highlight a few important points (reminding myself first):
1: Not using harsh words even while disciplining
A few sound decibels are enough to teach kids and make them understand that they need to listen to you. Use a tone that can reach their ears softly. When you shout so loud that the neighbors can hear as well, then it will hardly enter the kid’s heart, mind, or even soul. A firm tone is enough with the proper choice of words.
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: ‘Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty, and it is not withdrawn from anything, but it makes it defective.’
2: Being Patient
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said:
‘Teach your children to pray when they are seven years old, and smack them (lightly) if they do not do so when they are ten.’
The hadith clearly teaches us to remind continuously with love for five times a day in three whole years— approximately 5475 times!
Do we have the capacity to be patient more than 5475 times over a simple matter? Do we teach with love? Is our frustration more important than the value and command of Allah?
3: Treat them with the kindness you would treat an adult with
Being harsh towards children is against our human nature and religion. Parents are the first role models for their kids. They look up to them in times of distress and confusion. If we fail to give them comfort, they will seclude themselves and find refuge somewhere else— be it right or wrong.
The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said: ‘The one who does not show mercy will not be shown mercy.’
4: Steering away from zulm
It was narrated from Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him) that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) said, narrating from Allah, may He be glorified and exalted: ‘O My slaves, I have forbidden zulm to Myself, and I have made it haraam among you, so do not wrong one another.’
Zulm in Arabic means:
- Lack of fairness
- The act or instance of oppressing
- Cruel or harsh treatment
- An extreme or shocking violation of others’ rights
5: Practice what you preach
Kids see, kids do! Imagine how would you feel seeing your kid doing the same? It is the best way to realize our mistakes.
We need to comprehend and internalize these aspects so that they can become our habits for the sake of Allah, in sha Allah.
May Allah make us mothers worthy enough to raise an ummah that strives to think, feel and do everything for the sake of our Rabb, Allah s.w.t.