My dear little one,
I thought I knew what love feels like because I had seen love in so many forms. But I never knew it could still feel like a whole new experience. Like it was the first time I experienced it. I never knew I had such an ability to love. That too, so unconditionally…
You didn’t come into the world crying and I’d like to think it’s because you were really looking forward to meeting me. For you loved the sound of my voice and my heartbeat. You wanted to see the person beyond all that. You were happy to be in the world where I lived.
My body still hurts from head to toe from growing you between the cracks of my skin and it’s strange how the cause is also the medicine…Nothing good ever came easy. So I gave up the good and went for the great.
I lose track of time as I sacrifice my already spare sleep just so I could get lost in your sight. I steal glances at you just to make sure you’re alright. Although you’re right beside me, snuggled up in my warm embrace. And sometimes, just to get filled with awe amidst the innocence and purity that you’re wrapped in.
Tears crawl into my eyes. And then I breathe in anything foolish enough to leave you.
People say that I should sleep as soon as you do, but I miss you when you’re asleep. So I shower you with kisses instead. I lose the count of pecks you receive in a day.
My heart never takes a break from loving you and if my thoughts could be unspooled like a yarn, they would unravel my inability to think about anything but you.
You cry and I cry with you. What hurts you, hurts me more. You smile and I giggle like a two year old, who has butterflies with wings of fire fluttering in her tummy. Your toothless grin stretches me 5 feet taller.
I let you sleep over me and then stay stuck in that situation for as long as you want to sleep. You exhale and I let your breath tickle my cheeks.
And those are the magical moments when I write these love letters to you.
Oh, how I question my sanity sometimes. But they say it right. Love does take away some part of your sanity. That’s why they put it in words like – insanely in love. I just didn’t know if it could take all of my sanity. What was creepy once, is now my normal.
If only love could be put into words…I would pour oceans of gratitude upon my skin.
You never said you loved me, but maybe you do…though its intensity can never match mine.
You are my calendar – days begin and end with the rise and fall of your breath.
How can someone love so much and not spark into fire. How can someone be loved so much and not spoil to ashes.
So I’m afraid I’ll love you to the point where it’s more destructive than constructive…
But when time will move forward and you will face a lack of faith in yourself someday…know that someone out there deems you forever beautiful inside out and has faith in you, without any care about how you look, what you do, or what you own…
My God do I love you…
Oh, you’re up…so till next time…
Your secret admirer,
Part 2: A Letter to My Foster Child