long awaited home


Sometimes I just don’t feel like living… not like a forever-not-living feeling! But I need a break, break from motherhood,  break from wife-hood, break from simply being human. Break from the perpetual civil war that I am in which so many souls are fighting to survive, destroying each other in the process…

I want a break good enough to let me hibernate first, untie myself, reach across the hurt and find myself waiting for me to shed off all the gathered and crumbled up load, no one depending on me and I depending on none. And then wake up and feel nothing, simply nothing…

So that I can have a soul as light as a feather. A soul that can float around with the most ease, amidst the clouds, higher than the birds, with every single breeze, even with a muffled breath and the layers of still wind….feel the drizzle that ends the drought and then fall slowly into the fur of feathers – to color me a purposeful self, to comprehend the reason why was I here in the first place despite the fact that I know it already… I want to feel it…and then live it! The eternal bliss that stays forever and ever after, till the eternity….

This train of thought is like the silent still blackness that comes home at 3 am .

This so badly wanted feeling keeps me occupied for hours, when everyone doze off their brains and hearts to rest and comfort. When you are not sure if you’re completely alive, but you’re sure that you’re not completely dead.

I write for the hope of release but my soul is still hung somewhere in the middle…

After 27 years of endless longing for human warmth, acceptance, and approval I still feel as empty as ever! I still find myself running at the same pace with the same void— running after people I want to make happy. The running train of thoughts keeps asking, “Where exactly did I  go wrong?”  whenever I disappoint one of them. Where did I lose hope? Why is there no end to this marathon? After all I had always put all of me, and the best of me, into the struggle.

Breathless while running, a wind of change struck my soul. I met my Lord on a hopeless path, miraculously. Obviously it was not heavenly, as I’m still residing in the world, but this “wind of change” was a wake-up call. I started to realize and understand the answers as to where I was going wrong. I realized that a void in my heart could only be filled by the remembrance and love of my creator!

I was born on fitrah and forgot it as I grew old. Neither was I reminded of it. My own soul became deluded. I still was weak. So I found refuge in aiding myself with the piercing power of a dua, because I have rummaged through many obstacles with the help of this magic wand.

Although it didn’t work as I’d expected it to— I didn’t suddenly wake up a world with no heartaches, everyone happy with me and telling me how much they loved me to be a part of their lives. Rather it all got way too complicated. I was grasping for their love, approval, and khair more and my heart kept getting weaker.

My heart doesn’t understand the language of math. I guess my heart was destined to break more often, piece by piece, bit by bit. Such a shame! Even dandelions have more power to hold themselves together. At least for a while…
This was definitely not what I asked Allah for! Rather it was something I wanted to run away from! The heartaches, disappointments…  I was very clear and simple in my demand to Allah!

But the more the heartaches, the more I longed to turn to my creator for healing. The serenity after every heartbreak was getting soothing every time. I started to stand stronger after every hit.

The heart-breaks got stronger and the frequency intensified with my increasing determination. But I’m sure this will mend soon!  With the taste of the sweetness of eemaan, I will heal…[Excerpt from the article we wrote for understandquran.com]

With time I realized that it is the wrought of my sins that I want to be free from. It all started with one dark spot on the heart and escalated way quicker than I was ready for. Layers upon layers of darkness on the heart that I dont even know how to shed. Perhaps the process I want to go through is of repentance…

Repentance is my release, my wings…

And here is not where eternity is…I will have to skin my knees in submission again and again, because this heart will have its dark days after seeing the light again. But I hope that light is what I see more. When I peek into my soul, I am able to see my heart and finally feel…

Eternity is after this – our long awaited home – home that Allah designed and catered especially for those who cleanse themselves for His sake. There is more mercy in Allah than the sin in us.

So I will rinse myself again and again. Separate the skin around my bones and wash. I will do whatever it takes. I will reach across time zones…because I want to go home…



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