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List of Ahadith that Really Helped Me as a Parent
Ahadith That Feel Like a Bandaid in Motherhood
A Hadith That Changed My Life After Parenthood
Aahadith That Gave Me A New Perspective As A Parent
25) There is good in everything if you have belief!
Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said: “Strange are the ways of a believer for there is good in every affair of his and this is not the case with anyone else except in the case of a believer for if he has an occasion to feel delight, he thanks (God), thus there is a good for him in it, and if he gets into trouble and shows resignation (and endures it patiently), there is a good for him in it.” [Sahih Muslim 2999]
I read how when we yearn for the trials to end, our duas become more frequent, our supplications are more sincere, our hearts soften with humility, we stop viewing things from the perspective of dunya, our shukr overflows, our faith is more unshakable – eventually, the trial ends and our blessings and gifts of eemaan remains – and the reward awaits…
When we’re in the thick of parenting, it’s so hard to cling to this belief – *Allah wants the best for me!* but as our life passes by, we see so much khair in what happened. When we’re zoomed in to those hardships (as we figure things out of it), we can’t really see that perspective – but this belief keeps us moving forward! When we finally zoom out, we see the bigger picture, we see the wisdom behind it all, we see the khair in it and most of all, we see Allah’s LOVE! We end up learning lessons that we never thought were possible to learn. We unlearn generational patterns. We understand ourselves better. We are able to see different perspectives…
And then you smile – because you finally see the good in it!
26) Helping my children is a part of my ibaadah!
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “Whoever relieves a Muslim of a burden from the burdens of the world, Allah will relieve him of a burden from the burdens of the Hereafter. And whoever covers (the faults of) a Muslim, Allah will cover (his faults) for him in the world and the Hereafter. And Allah is engaged in helping the worshipper as long as the worshipper is engaged in helping his brother.” [Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1425]
To a mum whose back bends backwards to accommodate her family, I make dua that Allah grants you a family who lends their hearts in their hands to support your breaking back.
To a mum who skipped endless opportunities of this glittery world to opt for guidance and a path of eeman for herself and her kids…
To a mum who feels like she’s all alone in this, I make dua that a community full of kind people will hold your hand not only in this dunya but also in the aakhirah.
I make dua that Allah sends you His favourite souls who see the greatness in you even if you don’t see it within you right now. I make dua that they give you the power to stand on your own feet and reconnect you with Allah so you can soar high again.
I pray for you because you’re not alone in this. May Allah keep helping you as you keep helping your family. May Allah keep relieving your burden as you carry the burdens of your resposibilities.
You are His worshipper as a result!
This. is. ibaadah!
27) Let go / Choose your battles
Narrated Um Khalid: (the daughter of Khalid bin Sa`id) I went to Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) with my father and I was wearing a yellow shirt. Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said, “Sanah, Sanah!” (`Abdullah, the narrator, said that ‘Sanah’ meant ‘good’ in the Ethiopian language). I then started playing with the seal of Prophethood (in between the Prophet’s shoulders) and my father rebuked me harshly for that. Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) said. “Leave her,” and then Allah’s Messenger (ﷺ) (invoked Allah to grant me a long life) by saying (thrice), “Wear this dress till it is worn out and then wear it till it is worn out, and then wear it till it is worn out.” (The narrator adds, “It is said that she lived for a long period, wearing that (yellow) dress till its color became dark because of long wear.”) [Sahih al-Bukhari 3071]
Know that love is in little things. Sometimes it’s in words. Sometimes it’s in hugs and kisses. Sometimes it’s in gifts. Sometimes it’s in smile and laughter. Sometimes it’s in letting go! So much of the peaceful parenting lies in letting go… Letting go of the mess they make in the area you just cleaned Letting go of the wall they painted out of creative curiosity. Letting go of the book they drew on out of imaginative spur. Letting go of the bad grades they scored in school And the list goes on… Remember that angels are not even writing their “sins” yet (till they aren’t adults), even if they deliberately break a precious piece of crockery, or touch anything in our cupboards or drawers that we have kept strictly off limits – but they are surely writing YOUR words and actions.
The idea of letting go is to find solutions together. It doesn’t mean spoiling your child, but it simply means not spoiling ourselves in the process. Not burying our kind souls in the process.
28) This world isn’t all there is!
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “Whoever is focused only on this world, Allah will confound his affairs and make him fear poverty constantly, and he will not get anything of this world except that which has been decreed for him. Whoever is focused on the Hereafter, Allah will settle his affairs for him and make him feel content with his lot, and his provision and worldly gains will undoubtedly come to him.” [Sunan Ibn Majah 4105]
How can something take so much from you yet give you so much is beyond me.
I know it’s right when we say that motherhood has taken so much from us. But it gives us so much more than what we ask Allah for.
It saps our energy but gives us double the power.
It wears us down, but also gives us the ability to stand up back again.
It makes us extra emotional, but it also grants us that extra emotional strength.
29) So live like a traveler for less overwhelm as a parent!
‘Abdullah bin ‘Umar (RA) reported: Messenger of Allah ﷺ took hold of my shoulders and said, “Be in the world like a stranger or a wayfarer”. [Riyad as-Salihin 471]
This hadith truly makes me wonder how living like a traveler must be. You only carry the basics. Every time I see around my home, I realize I’m living on earth as if I’m never going to leave it. As if I’m here to stay forever. And I get the feeling how things have owned us vs how we should have owned them.
Can you look around your home and see a life of a traveler?
Think of the things that take up more of your time than they serve you. For eg: I don’t keep any carpets etc. around the home (because potty training and messy play would have been a nightmare). I hardly keep any decoration pieces etc. because dusting them takes so much time. I’m not saying owning these things are wrong – these are just my examples, yours could be different.
30) That also means, less entertainment / gossips etc.
The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, “Part of the perfection of one’s Islam is his leaving that which does not concern him.” [Riyad as-Salihin 67]
Celebrity gossip, dramas, movies, series, news, what is everyone doing on social media etc. Whatever it is that doesn’t concern you, let it go. There’s so much beauty in this advice because concerning ourselves with things that don’t have anything to do with us is one of the biggest time consuming things I’ve found in my life. Whenever I indulge in them, I wobble and find it hard to find the balance. My thoughts are consumed with what doesn’t concern me. My time is consumed with what doesn’t concern me and then even my words and deeds are consumed with what doesn’t concern me or benefit me. It’s a strange chain reaction that is hard to break once I find myself in it. So I try to stay away from it as much as I can. Because if I’m not mindful with what I consume, it becomes me!
31) Walk the talk!
Every time I tell my daughter a hadith that I’m not acting upon, I feel so hypocritical. How can I influence someone into doing something I’m not even doing myself. I reduce the influence of my words greatly. If the power of Allah and His Messenger ﷺ’s words could not enter the heart of a preacher, how will they enter the heart of a listener? So when you raise the deen standards for your kids, make sure you raise them for yourself as well.
“…The character of Messenger of Allah ﷺ was the Qur’an…” [Sunan Abi Dawud 1342]
The times when I do the same things I ask my daughter not to do, it doesn’t end nicely. It usually means a child shuts up out of fear and then shuts down or shuts you out. And eventually kids stop taking us seriously when we keep saying what we don’t even mean over and over…
32) Be careful around who you parent your kids – their values become yours!
Abu Hurairah (May Allah be pleased with him) reported: I heard the Prophet ﷺ saying, “Man follows his friend’s religion, you should be careful who you take for friends”. [Riyad as-Salihin 367]
Suhba (companionship) will make you or break you. When you sit with the people of dunya, you become a drop in their ocean, but when you sit with the people of akhirah (Hereafter), the dunya becomes a drop in your ocean. Our friends may eventually change when our opinions and beliefs change because we often become parts of the people we spend time with. Even if you think that someone’s negative influence is not impacting your life, it’s a safe zone to not enter the fitnah space. Your intentional parenting may suddenly become harsh amidst friends who think your love is spoiling your children, while your rightful boundaries may start to blur out around permissive parents. So look at the people around who you parent your children – their values sometimes become yours unconsciously.
33) Know your stress response and act accordingly
Try to shift your attention from your child to your inner state. Under your anger is sometimes fear, sadness, or disappointment. Let all that well up, and just breathe. Let the tears come if they need to. Be kind to yourself. Once you let yourself feel what’s under the anger–without taking action–the anger will begin to melt away. When you feel stressed, and overwhelmed, your pre-frontal cortex – the rational, reasoning part of your brain that is responsible for impulse control, can’t function as well as it does in calmer times. Sometimes unconscious memories from your own childhood may get triggered, and you may start acting in ways that are similar to the ways you were treated when you were young. So parent yourself first with the compassion you may have required at that time. That means learning to coach yourself lovingly through your own emotions, so you don’t take them out on your children. The more you stop and reflect, the better you become at noticing your emotions which helps you to work towards preventing them from reaching the stage of anger. Once you know your triggers, try to stay away from them and when you see yourself getting triggered, take a step back instead of testing yourself whether you can calm the storm amidst chaos or no.
…Prophet (ﷺ) said, “A judge should not judge between two persons while he is in an angry mood.” [Sahih al-Bukhari 7158]
34) There are many paths to Paradise – even the uncomfortable ones!
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, “No fatigue, nor disease, nor sorrow, nor sadness, nor hurt, nor distress befalls a Muslim, even if it were the prick he receives from a thorn, but that Allah expiates some of his sins for that.” [Sahih al-Bukhari 5641, 5642]
Motherhood is not the only path to Paradise for a woman. Allah has given each one of us customised lives and each one of us will be tested based on the circumstances we’re given. Ayesha رضي الله عنها was not given the role of motherhood, yet she received the glad tidings of Jannah in this world. She adopted many kids in her life and was a teacher to many students too. She dedicated her life learning the deen of Allah and teaching it forward. She did not wait for Jannah to be placed beneath her feet. She sought it in other places instead. And the one who seeks, gets! She spread her legacy into the Ummah that lasted longer than her. And all of us became sadaqah jaariyah for her in some way.
35) There are many paths to Paradise – even the most unconventional ones!
Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) said: “(All of you) worship Ar-Rahman, feed others, spread the (greeting of) Salam, then you will enter Paradise in security.” [Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1855]
Feeding others is one of the ways to earn paradise. Now think of all the times you feed your loved ones. The endless snacks – that can sometimes bring the endless tantrums (because some days, no one wants to eat what you put your hard work in). I often have to repeat to myself! “I’m not afraid of my children’s emotions!” in those times. And sometimes even have to repeat it to my eldest who says – please give him (her younger brother) so and so, so he’d stop crying…
♡ I’m not afraid of their tantrums.
♡ I’m not afraid of their tears.
♡ I’m not afraid of their anger.
♡ I’m not afraid of their sadness.
♡ I’m not afraid of being disliked by them (if they didn’t like my boundary).
I am their parent. I am here to support all of these emotions. Because, sometimes, deep down, we are avoiding all of those things out of fear…
•Fear of discomfort (because our lives are already so overwhelmed, we don’t have the capacity to become more stimulated with their tantrums or cries).
•Fear of their future.
•Fear of mom-guilt.
•Fear of “what will the people say”.
•Fear of more stressors (when I can barely cope with existing stressors).
And the list goes on…
I love this quote from Carl Rogers: “Can I be strong enough as a person to be separate from the other? Can I be a sturdy respecter of my own feelings, my own needs, as well as his? Can I own and, if need be, express my own feelings as something belonging to me and separate from his feelings? Am I strong enough in my own separateness that I will not be downcast by his depression, frightened by his fear, nor engulfed by his dependency? Is my inner self hardy enough to realise that I am not destroyed by his anger, taken over by his need for dependence, nor enslaved by his love, but that I exist separate from him with feelings and rights of my own? When I can freely feel this strength of being a separate person, then I find that I can let myself go much more deeply in understanding and accepting him because I am not fearful of losing myself”.
36) Our kids deserve our kindness for a beautiful life!
‘A’isha, the wife of Allah’s Apostle (ﷺ), reported Allah’s Apostle (ﷺ) as saying: “Kindness is not to be found in anything but that it adds to its beauty and it is not withdrawn from anything but it makes it defective.” [Sahih Muslim 2594a]
I remember the time when I had a rough night with the baby. I was constantly getting up for night feeds. My 6yr old came to me in the morning and saw me struggling to put the baby to sleep. I was going in and out of the sleep phase and when I opened my eyes, the baby wasn’t beside me anymore. I could hear my 6yr old playing with him in the other room. She took him to the other room. And instead of sleeping, I was just a big ball of emotions.
I shed tears for all the years of hearing how my eldest was such a sensitive child. And how she is such a big girl and shouldn’t cry like that anymore. I shed tears because even though hearing/seeing kids cry was difficult, I stood up for her right to cry. I used to simply tell her that she should not hurt herself or others in the process – We will not say what may displease Allah – but you are allowed to cry. I still cry.
Her sensitivity also made her an amazing empath – the small example of which I saw when she took the baby so I could sleep.
“People have two needs, authenticity and attachment. When authenticity threatens attachment, attachment trumps authenticity”. Gabor Mate
It also reminds me of how Ayesha رضي الله عنها described her father – “a softhearted man who’d be overpowered by his weeping.” [Bukhari 682]