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An Aayah That Changed My Life After Parenthood
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17) Gratitude brings joy to the mundane
And when your Lord proclaimed, ‘If you are grateful, I will surely increase you…” [Quran – 14:7]
5yr old: Ama! Is it possible that Allah takes away all of our food one day?
Me: Yes, that’s possible. Sometimes Allah can test the strength of our faith like that.
5yr old: Is it possible that He takes our home away just like that?
Me: Ummm Yes *scared where this conversation is going*, that’s possible too (people who go through natural disasters experience that often).
5yr old: *while crying* so is it possible that Allah takes you away one day too?
Me: hmmm yes. *not wanting to sugarcoat things because they’ve already seen the death of their brother and this conversation comes up often since that incident* But there’s someONE who will NEVER go away. He will be there even if no one will stay. Even if you will have nothing. And He is someone who loves way more than I can ever love you. Everything and everyone else (except for Him) can be replaced. But there’s also one way you CAN keep your blessings and even increase them in this dunya.
5yr old: *excitedly asks* HOW?
Me: Through the power of Alhamdulillah ❤
5yr old: But I can’t do that.
Me: *a little offended* Why not?
5yr old: Because then I’ll always be saying alhamdulillah – there are soooooo many blessings Allah gave us.
All of us filled the shukr journal when my son passed away – it helped us all heal. Maybe one day, I will share the cute little book my 5yr old made for her baby brother Muhammad, so she can give it to him in Jannah 💖 Alhamdulillah that I have one child in Jannah (in shaa Allah) – it makes me want to be a better Muslim because I want to meet him there one day!
18) And comparison is the thief of that joy
“Competition in increase diverts you. Until you visit the graveyards.” [Quran – 102:1-2]
One day, my husband said to me: I don’t get any time with the kids amidst all this workload. And it hit me, dad-guilt is real too.
I’ve been saying this to my husband for the past 6 years I think – “Your value is not in the sum of money you make. Your value is in the person that you are” (I repeat this often to my own mother as well actually – your value is not in all the services you provide for us (because she constantly feels bad for not doing enough even after she is bone-tired from all the work), your value is in YOU as a person – so give us more of that instead.”
And I often remind my husband – whenever he wants to upgrade his career for a more comfortable life – “We’re better off with less money and more of your time. If it translates into you having a less stressed life and you getting to spend more time with us, with kids, we’re all for this change! We’ll be happy to live in a smaller home even.”
(Because in most cases, more money usually means more work too (especially if you’re earning halal and the money doesn’t come to you ancestrally)).
I know in this age, where mothers are expected to work too to provide a better life for their families, it may sound ridiculous for a man to opt for a less-stressful and more flexible job that pays less so he could spend more time with his family. More time with Allah…
And not everyone may have the luxury to choose this of course. But even when we do, we may not opt for it. Because we want more and more. It’s human nature, as Allah revealed…
19) But increase in Aakhirah is encouraged
So race to good. [Qur’an 2:148]
The struggle of praying in peace while one kid is riding on your back during prostration and the other is lying in front of you. The hardship of keeping your cool during salah while the kids fight with each other. The difficulty of praying on time while one child wants to go to the bathroom really bad and the other wants food. The problem with maintaining khushoo during salah while one kid hangs onto your hijab and the other is trying to pull him/her away (in an attempt to help mama). The stress of forgetting what rak’ah you are on while the kids start crying in a form of chorus. The trouble in connecting with Allah while being connected with your surroundings as the kids do all kinds of dangerous things around the house.
The struggle is never ending and mama, and you’re not alone! But our race towards good is never unnoticed by the Lord who doesn’t even let the leaf fall without His knowledge. So race for aakhirah and jump across these roadblocks, because that’s the competition, we would definitely like to be a part of!
20) And gaining Aakhirah is not a loss
“…And whoever desires the reward of this world – We will give him thereof; and whoever desires the reward of the Hereafter – We will give him thereof. And we will reward the grateful.” [Quran – 3:145]
A woman said to me: I’ve lost myself after motherhood. I’ve changed so much…
And I think a lot of us feel like that. I do too, sometimes. But if I look back on my life, many incidents have changed me as a person. Even before motherhood. Knowledge changed me. Relationships changed me. Environments changed me. And the best of all, Islam changed me. It gets easier as you change one day at a time.
Life was never constant and never will be. Change is inevitable. And sometimes change is good too! Staying the same is never the goal. Similarity may feel comfortable (especially in the face of chaos), but embrace your change, and it will help you see a lot of good that has been brought into your life as a result of that change.
I personally feel I’ve become a stronger woman after motherhood. I’ve started focusing less on “what will the people say” and more on what Quran and Sunnah says! I’ve become more conscious of my words and actions (even if I fail a lot of times, the conscience has become stronger because of little prying eyes – for which I feel more accountable). And I’m not sure if I would have been able to have those qualities in me unless I went through trying times…
May we always progress even if the progress feels abrupt at first and may that progress lead us to Jannah.
21) Even when it comes at the cost of Dunya
Nay, you prefer the life of this world; Although the Hereafter is better and more lasting. [Quran – 87:16-17]
When we think of successful mothers, we usually feel that they must have everything in life to be able to achieve great heights and great kids as a result. Maryam السلام عليها was not any ordinary single mother. When our society sees a single mother, they have empathy for her. But Maryam was a single mother who was under intense scrutiny – imagine having to go through the physical difficulties of childbirth only to have emotional difficulties waiting for you on the next turn. And even though she wanted to die at that moment of extreme physical and emotional pain, she pushed through for the sake of Allah and raised an amazing human being with all the love despite the hatred surrounding her. Allah not only dedicated a whole surah after her name, but made his son the only Prophet to return in this dunya before aakhirah.
22) May we see each perspective through the glasses of gratitude (because our perspective matters!)
said, “Because You have put me in error, I will surely sit in wait for them on Your straight path. Then I will come to them from before them and from behind them and on their right and on their left, and You will not find most of them grateful .” [Quran – 7:16-17]
I remember the time in motherhood when I started filling the gratitude journal #AlhamdulillahForSeries dedicated to my kids. Writing about the positives of motherhood made me a much happier mother. “Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal” is one of the most difficult phrases to say. When we say Alhamdulillah for everything, we usually mean that we are grateful for all the blessings that we feel good about. “Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal” is for times when we go through (apparent) negative experiences in life. We forget that those things may also be blessings – but in a disguise that we don’t like. May Allah always keep us grateful. No matter what. For gratitude brings positivity. It’s the hope that keeps you pushing forward for better. It’s the only light to cling onto in dark times of losing a loved one. Hence I filled the page 85 in the productivity journal for Muslims as well – turning negative experiences into positive lessons…
The other day on BBC science, I read about how “As a flamingo, the pinker you are, the healthier and better quality you are. Flamingos – both male and female – can lose their pink pigments outside of breeding season. That’s because the breeding is so intensive and so much of their food is used for their chicks. During this time, their white colour basically means ‘Please leave me alone. I’m a little bit exhausted from breeding – I’ll join in the dancing later.’”
23) Age is just a worldly limit
And if you would count the graces of Allah, never could you be able to count them. Truly! Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. [Quran – 16:18]
Umm Ayman رضي الله عنها was the caretaker of Muhammad ﷺ when his mother passed away. He ﷺ once stood in front of his companions and asked: “who will marry this woman of Jannah?” And young Zaid bin Haarithah رضي الله عنه – Muhammad ﷺ’s adopted son, came forward and did not miss the chance of marrying a woman who was given the glad tidings of Jannah in this world. They had several children – one of them being Usama bin Zaid رضي الله عنه (who became one of the youngest leaders of the Muslim army (even in the presence of prominent companions like Umar رضي الله عنه). In our society, we often put an age mark on when we should have kids if we want to raise them with all the energy that we have. And even though, raising children isn’t easy and indeed does demand physical and mental strength, age is nothing but a worldly limit.
24) But all of us will become old one day
Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the destination. [Quran – 31:14]
I remember the time my mum visited me after marriage – I found her lying in bed silently one day. I could tell something was wrong since she had covered her face with her hijab. As I uncovered her face, I saw tears rolling down her eyes. I asked with worry: “what happened Ama?” (While my mind raced everywhere whether I did something that may have hurt her). As the conversation proceeded, I found out that she has been feeling useless and like a burden because she was not doing anything around the house.
I said: “what do you mean you’re not doing anything?”
Isn’t playing with your grandchildren “doing”?
Isn’t spending time with your daughter “doing”?
Isn’t providing emotional support in a rough time “doing”?
Isn’t laughing with us all and bringing us so much joy “doing”?
Isn’t grabbing my hand and hugging me a little longer “doing”?
Isn’t having deep meaningful conversations “doing”?
Isn’t sharing our vulnerabilities to each other and understanding ourselves through each other “doing”?
There’s so much value in what no one sees. Without which I won’t be a sane human being. No one will value the amount of time you gave me, but I will. And those hugs and kisses are beyond the food that you may cook for me. And I held her face in my palms and said: “Ama, if there is one thing I want you to take with you from this vacation, it’s that you start finding your value in yourself beyond what you’ve believed in all along. Beyond what society told you where your value lies. Beyond work. Work. And more work.
She nodded her head as tears rolled down like a stream from her eyes. And I held my tears back because that’s where every mum finds her value until her body gives up and she’s left with no value as a human being…