PREVIOUS: List of Aayaat and Ahadith that Helped Me in My Marriage (1-8)
Islamic Reminders That Strengthened My Marriage (9-16)
17) Believe your spouse when they bring a concern instead of dismissing them or shutting down (get curious!)
Ali said: “Fatimah complained to me about her hands blistering from grinding flour. So I said: ‘If you were to approach your father and ask him for a servant?’ So he (the Prophet) said: ‘Should I not direct the two of you, to that which is better for you than a servant? When the two of you lay down to sleep, say thirty-three, thirty-three, thirty-four, of At-Taḥmīd, At-Tasbīḥ, and At-Takbīr.” [Jami` at-Tirmidhi 3408]
If you’ve been following AYEINA, you’ll know how I’ve talked about this hadith in parenting perspective too. This time around, I want to talk about it from a marriage perspective.
Fatima رضي الله عنها complained about house chores that were weighing her down. Ali رضي الله عنه believed her without her having to make a whole case for why she needed support, without having to prove her pain to him. He did not dismiss her concerns (even though he was not able to afford extra help). He did not think she was being emotional. He did not turn her complaint into a competition about how he worked really, really hard outside the home himself. He did not consider her complaint as nagging or as an attack on him (as if he was not enough). He did not let his ego come in between them or start thinking, “What will people say – I can’t properly provide for her as a husband!” Instead, he directed her towards a solution/ support that another man (her father) could provide. Aaaand her father was not able to provide the extra help either, but he also did not dismiss her and instead gave her something loving and beneficial in replacement.
18) Carry your spouse’s load emotionally/spiritually, even if you can’t do that physically!
`Ali added, ‘I have never failed to recite it ever since.” Somebody asked, “Even on the night of the battle of Siffin?” He said, “Even on the night of the battle of Siffin.” [Sahih al-Bukhari 5362]
Another perspective I wanted to highlight in this incident is the fact that Ali رضي الله عنه NEVER left those adhkaar himself – EVEN during battle!
Now imagine a man putting his life on the line, yet doing the adhkaar that his wife received as part of her help and ease. Imagine a husband thinking of supporting his wife back home even during a war – even when he was on the frontlines, while she was in the safety of her home. Imagine a man carrying the burden for his wife emotionally even when he couldn’t carry it physically. This is what I call providing as a qawwaam. It’s not just financial!
Dear men! Learn from Ali رضي الله عنه, because in our women-only support group, I see so many women doubting their own struggles and blaming themselves for never doing enough simply because their spouses keep dismissing their pain or complaints as nagging or being emotional/unreasonable.
I pray that the men of our Ummah learn from some of the greatest men who walked this planet, and that they see their marriages thrive even if they don’t always have the solution, because empathy and kindness go a long way!
19) Consulting one another needs a safe environment (for expressing your needs)
“and manage their affairs by mutual consultation.” [Quran; 42:38]
This aayah also highlights what the first hadith was all about – shoora! Fatima رضي الله عنها consulted Ali رضي الله عنه because she trusted his leadership and she respected him as her qawwaam. She knew she will be listened to and trusted. She will be believed!
Istishaara (consulting wise people around you) is an important part of not only choosing a spouse, but also when making decisions within the marriage that affect both parties.
Even though all of us adults have a responsibility to communicate clearly and consult openly, but if the spouse is manipulative, controlling, or dismissive, one person may find themselves constantly carrying the fear of the other one blowing up or shutting down. Their harsh words carry a message, and so does their weaponised silence. Mutual consultation requires creating an environment where your spouse feels safe enough to express their needs. If your spouse has to rehearse every sentence, carefully calculate your reaction, or suppress their needs to keep the peace, then are you truly consulting one another? And perhaps one of the most loving things you can offer your spouse is the reassurance that they can bring you a problem without becoming one themselves. Marriage is a partnership in which two people turn to Allah, consider one another’s perspectives, and make decisions with the awareness that they will both answer to Him so fear belongs to Allah alone – not the spouse!
20) A husband is given the duty of provision but Allah is The One Who Provides!
“And how many a creature carries not its provision. Allah provides for it and for you. And He is the Hearing, the Knowing.” [Quran; 29:60]
The topic of provision brings me to a reflection on this aayah!
It’s Allah Who Provides! Not the people. Allah has put MEANS of provision in this world, but provision is from Him Alone. Not from a man, not from a company, not from a customer, not from an idea, not from talent, not from hard work… all of these are just means. Which is why each person comes with their own share of rizq/provision, even if they have the exact same circumstances.
So men should know that they are the means of provision, not The One Who Provides. And women should know that Allah will provide for them in other ways, even if their spouse, guardian (or men of the Ummah), government, degree/education, etc., fails to do so. The provision comes from the Creator, not the creation! You can always be grateful for the efforts of the creation, but never forget the actual Provider!
And this understanding should change the way we approach provision within marriage. A husband may be the one earning the income, paying the bills, and providing for his family’s material needs, but he is not the source of his family’s rizq. He is a servant of Allah who has been entrusted with a responsibility. His role is important, his efforts matter, and his sacrifices deserve appreciation but none of these make him The Ultimate Provider. That title belongs to Allah Alone!
When a man understands this, provision no longer has to become a source of ego or control. He doesn’t need to remind his wife of every penny he spends on her, make her feel indebted for her basic needs, or use his financial contribution as leverage to silence her concerns. He can provide with gratitude, knowing that Allah could have chosen any other means to deliver that rizq to his family.
21) Your character is your most valuable asset
Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: “The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women.” [Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1162]
It might sound odd, but try to become the person you’d want to marry and that goes for both genders! But when Rasool Allah ﷺ specifically targetted men to be the best to their women, it is worth reflecting on why. Is it because men can sometimes confuse leadership with control, authority with entitlement, and strength with dominance? A man doesn’t become less of a man by being gentle with his wife. He doesn’t lose his authority by listening to her (like how the Prophet ﷺ listened to his wife’s advice and applied it in Treaty of Hudaibiyah). He doesn’t lose respect by apologising when he’s wrong, acknowledging her efforts, or making room for her feelings even when he doesn’t fully understand them. Your wife shouldn’t have to walk on eggshells around you. She shouldn’t have to rehearse every sentence in her head, wondering how you’ll react. She shouldn’t have to suppress her emotions to protect your ego or feel guilty for having needs of her own.
Of course, you’re human. You’ll have difficult days and moments when you’ll fall short. But what matters is how you handle those moments. Do you humiliate or communicate? Punish with silence or work towards understanding? And perhaps one of the most beautiful measures of a man’s character is not how people see him outside his home, but how the people who live with him experience him behind closed doors. Your family shouldn’t receive the leftovers of your character after the rest of the world has received your best (and that goes for both genders).
22) Small consistent deeds matter
Narrated `Aisha: The Prophet (ﷺ) was asked, “What deeds are loved most by Allah?” He said, “The most regular constant deeds even though they may be few.” He added, ‘Don’t take upon yourselves, except the deeds which are within your ability.” [Sahih al-Bukhari 6465]
My husband fills my water bottle every single day and as a nursing mum, it makes such a HUGE difference. Small consistent deeds are beautiful and a lot more effective! It doesn’t take much time and energy, nor does it take any amount of money. Such acts of consideration are free. And that’s exactly what Ali رضي الله عنه was doing as well! Showing up consistently for what weighed his wife down without any reminders from his wife! A lot of people may show huge acts of love once in a while and think that nothing else is needed all year long. But if you were to choose between one or the other, then choose small consistent expressions of love over huge expressions of love once in a blue moon.
And the second part of the hadith “…Don’t take upon yourselves, except the deeds which are within your ability.” is exactly for those huge expressions of love that may break your back or bank and you end up resenting the spouse for not meeting your expectations of reciprocity. Either do it for the sake of Allah or don’t do it at all! Instead of doing it and calling the other person ungrateful for never appreciating it enough.
23) And know that Allah Appreciates even if no one does
“Is the reward for good but good?” [Quran; 55:60]
And remember that whatever you will do for the sake of Allah, Allah will give back manifolds (even if people were to never acknowledge the way you want to be acknowledged). Never let people’s inability to appreciate your goodness make you question the value of doing good. He knows the good you did when nobody was watching. He knows the kindness you showed when you were running low yourself. He knows the times you chose patience when reacting would have been easier. He knows the effort behind the outcome, even when others only see the outcome. And Allah never loses sight of any good. This doesn’t mean we should never expect kindness in return from people. Islam teaches us to honour one another’s rights, appreciate goodness and reciprocate kindness. Nor does doing good mean allowing ourselves to be repeatedly mistreated or having no boundaries. It simply means that we don’t make people’s appreciation the condition for our goodness. People may forget what you did for them. But nothing you did for Allah is ever lost.
24) And He sees the injustice nobody acknowledges
“…And whoever does an atom’s weight of evil will see it.” [Quran; 99:7-8]
And Allah’s Knowledge is not just limited to what good you do, it also encompasses whatever evil is done. Just as no act of goodness is too small to be recognised by Allah, no act of wrongdoing is too insignificant to escape His Knowledge. Sometimes, we think of evil only in terms of major sins or obvious injustices. But what about the little things we dismiss? The hurtful comment disguised as a joke. The subtle humiliation that nobody else noticed. The lie we told because it was convenient. The promise we broke because the other person couldn’t hold us accountable. The private conversations where we spoke ill of someone who trusted us. The moments we deliberately made someone feel small just to feel bigger ourselves. And what about the goodness we deliberately withhold? The apology our ego refuses to offer. The credit we deny someone for their efforts. The kindness we could have offered in our free time. The person we hurt may never find the words to explain what we did to them. We may even convince ourselves that it wasn’t a big deal. But Allah knows what happened, what was said, what was intended and what was hidden. This is both a warning and a reminder of Allah’s perfect justice. Never underestimate a small good, and never dismiss a small evil. Because Allah sees the injustice nobody acknowledges.
