Life without happiness is incomplete. Happiness without contentment is short lived. Contentment that does not stem from a loving heart is an illusion. A loving heart without sincerity is hollow. Sincerity without correct reasoning is soulless. Without the soul, there can be no life.
Have you ever wondered why do we love? What causes our hearts to fall in love with another human being, things, places, ideas or even our own self? At one point or another in our life, most of us may contemplate on this question. But rarely do we find answers that bring much needed solace to the aching heart, the epicenter of all kinds of love.
Healthy Love vs. Unhealthy Love
This article aims to help you initiate an honest conversation with the ‘heart of your heart’ about why does it love such and such, to learn the difference between the healthy and unhealthy love and to believe that it is possible to replace the sadness in our hearts with real joy – Allah (swt) is Capable of doing everything. This article will not ask you to take up a hobby to mask the pain caused by love. We all know that is not going to work because the pain is real and if left without proper care, we’ll find our self in the same agony again and again. Nor will this article ask you to lose hope or stop loving. Our hearts can be reformed through the Will of Allah (swt) and learn to love in the right way i.e. for the sake of Allah (swt). His Mercy and blessings are unlimited for those who turn to Him alone. The pain caused by love becomes recurring only when we do not learn the lesson Allah (swt) wants to teach us out of His Mercy towards us.
Healthy Love
Love can be a blessing when it is made of selfless affection and pure mercy. This blessing naturally falls in sync with our normal life and brings harmony to it. It rejoices when it gives and remains content when it is deprived. It helps people grow and inspires others to emulate them; it is full of benefit, both in ease and in sorrow. That is the healthy love and Allah (swt) is Able to provide all of us with this kind of love. All we need to do is ask Him sincerely. But if love does not bring harmony to our life, then there is something in it that is not pure and needs to be purified.
Unhealthy Love
Without a proper understanding, love can be a cause of great distress if allowed to grow into an obsession and worship. Yes, worship is not just limited to images carved out of stones; it is a feeling of intense adoration and reverence for absolutely anything; that intensity leads to Shirk i.e. associating partners with Allah (swt). Examples of intense love that turned into Shirk can be found in the Holy Quran. One such example is the story of the two men and the garden mentioned in Surah Al Kahf. We ask Allah (swt) to protect all of us from such love. This is the type of love we need to be extremely wary of. When this love gives, it does not forget and when situations call for patience or sacrifice, it’ll be as though it never knew sanity or stillness. It takes time to accept that love, a beautiful natural emotion, could become unhealthy and take complete control of our life. Give yourself that time. Once this fact is recognized, then acceptance and understanding comes through. It is only then we’ll be able to work towards our heart’s reformation.
The unhealthy love can manifest itself in many forms and varies in intensity: obsession for a spouse, being overprotective about a child, a friend, things, places, habits, ideas or self-admiration. If left unidentified, this kind of love may paralyze an individual’s day-to-day life. Given the short span of life to achieve the lofty goal of Jannah, a productive Muslim cannot afford to lose time by going through such paralysis without recourse. That’s why it’s extremely important for us to understand the following:
– our hearts were created by Allah (swt) with an ability to love intensely
– to know Allah (swt), the only Perfect One worthy and Capable of reciprocating such love
– to strike a balance in relationships to the creation through moderate love
Allah (swt) controls all hearts and hearts can change instantly according to His Will. When our heart becomes very attached to someone or something, it is then that we experience pain because of that attachment. Allah makes us taste the bitterness of that relation to prevent us from falling into disbelief. The pain is actually a Mercy from Allah to remind us that our love has turned into an obsession and our hearts are more in need of Him than anything else.
“Those who have believed (in the Oneness of Allah), and whose hearts find rest in the remembrance of Allah: verily in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest.” (Surah Ar Ra’ad, Ayah 28).
Turning Unhealthy Attachment into Healthy Connection
The main reason why we love anyone or anything is either because of their qualities, what they do for us or how they make us feel. In each case, we must attribute all of these traits to the Source of all Goodness: Allah (swt). Instead of magnifying the creation for these attributes, we need to acknowledge, praise and magnify the Creator who made them and blessed them with these qualities. That is the way to purify our love. When we love sincerely for the sake of Allah (swt), He will bless and preserve that love in the hearts. Such a love remains moderate and does not go into ecstasy upon a gain, nor does it go into hysteria upon a loss. That is because the heart is attached to the Ever Living Source of Love, Allah (swt) and not to the means of love: the creation. In such a love, the relationship with the Perfect Creator is much stronger than the imperfect creation. That is where peace emanates from and that is when love truly liberates us. The one who truly understands this reality will never abandon the Perfect for the imperfect.
When love leads to an increase in love for Allah…
Allah (swt) created our hearts with an enormous capacity to love Him, the All-Knowing, All Wise and The Subtle. Nothing other than Allah (swt) can fill the heart’s void or bring peace to it. He is Closest to us than anyone, He remembers us when we remember Him and He knows us better than we know our own self. That is why our hearts are driven to seek this perfection. But we often seek it from the wrong places and get disappointed. The more knowledge we gain about our Creator and His Perfect names and attributes, the more our love for Him will increase.
“Truly in the heart there is a void that cannot be removed except with the company of Allah. And in it there is a sadness that cannot be removed except with the happiness of knowing Allah and being true to Him. And in it there is an emptiness that cannot be filled except with love for Him and by turning to Him and always remembering Him. And if a person were given all of the world and what is in it, it would not fill this emptiness.” – Imam Ibn al-Qayyim.
Our need for perfect love, which is free from base desires, is too great to be fulfilled by another human being or anything other than Allah (swt). Even if we are blessed with the reciprocation of our love by the creation, despite fulfilling its purpose that love will not be enough to bring us complete peace and tranquility. When we associate our peace of mind and happiness with people, we become their slaves and step-by-step that leads to Shirk. By becoming the slaves of Allah (swt), seeking His Love and Mercy, we are doing exactly what we were created for. That is what saves us from humiliation. If we need love of creation in our lives, then all we need to do is just ask the Master and Controller of hearts and not the slaves. He (swt) responds to the invocations, provides relief and rewards those who observe patience.
“No disaster strikes upon the earth or among yourselves except that it is in a register before We bring it into being – indeed that, for Allah, is easy. In order that you not despair over what has eluded you and not exult over what He has given you. And Allah does not like everyone self-deluded and boastful.” (Surah Al Hadid, Ayah 22 to 23)
It does not mean that we should not hope from or love our spouses, children or things – each of them has a specific role in our life as prescribed by the Holy Quran and the Sunnah. What it really means is that worldly love should not be our ultimate goal in life. By maintaining good relationships with the creation and fulfilling our duties towards them, we should seek the Pleasure of Allah so that when we are tested with temptations, loss or grief, we remain strong with a firm reliance and faith in Allah (swt). Love becomes a problem when pleasing creation takes precedence over pleasing Allah (swt). We must remember that He can bless us with whatever He pleases and He can take those blessings away whenever He Wills. In both cases, we must exhibit patience because Allah (swt) is Al Hakim, the All Wise; He knows what is best for us.
Our pleasure with His Decree is what earns us His special Mercy. The love of the creation should not supersede the love of Creator in our hearts; in fact all kinds of love should lead to an increase in our love for Allah (swt). If it doesn’t, then it is an unhealthy and unproductive love, which will eventually bring about distress.
“He who keeps his heart near Allah will find peace and tranquility. Whilst he who gives his heart to people, will find restlessness and apprehension.” – Imam Ibn al-Qayyim (Rahimahullah)
Prophets and Their Love
The blessed Prophets of Allah (swt) went through several tests in order to strengthen and firmly establish the Divine love in their hearts. Our beloved Prophet Muhammad (sallalahu alayhi wasallam) was with his son Ibrahim during his last moments.
Anas bin Malik (RadiAllahu anhu) reported that, “Allah’s Apostle took Ibrahim and kissed him and smelled him and later we entered Abu Saif’s house and at that time Ibrahim was in his last breaths, and the eyes of Allah’s Apostle (peace be upon him) started shedding tears. ‘Abdur Rahman bin ‘Auf said, “O Allah’s Apostle, even you are weeping!” He said, “O Ibn ‘Auf, this is mercy.” Then he wept more and said, “The eyes are shedding tears and the heart is grieved, and we will not say except what pleases our Lord, O Ibrahim! Indeed we are grieved by your separation.” (Sahih Al-Bukhari)
May Allah (swt) guide our tongues to utter and hearts to implement the same words when we are tested by losing what we love, Ameen.
When Allah (swt) tested Prophet Ibrahim (alayhis salaam) by commanding him to slaughter his son Prophet Ismail (alayhi salaam), they both readily submitted to the command of their Lord without any hesitation. In that is a lesson for us. Can we sacrifice our unhealthy love for the sake of pleasing the Lord of the Worlds and expect a reward only from Him? Allah (swt) is the Most Appreciative and He rewards those who submit to Him. So let us put all of our hopes in Allah (swt), He’ll provide us with that which is good for us.
Another noble Prophet Sulaiman (alayhis salaam) had a passion for fine horses. During the display of horses, Sulaiman (alayhis salaam) neglected his afternoon prayer and as a result he was tried by the loss of his kingdom. Realizing that his love for horses made him forget the remembrance of His Lord, Sulaiman (alayhis salaam) turned to Allah (swt) admitting his mistake and seeking repentance. Allah (swt) forgave him and blessed him with more.
If we adopt sincerity, patience and repentance with a true reliance on Allah (swt) when we lose our beloved people or things, then InshaAllah out of His Infinite Mercy, He’ll bless us with that which is most suitable.
Love of Allah: The True Love
Everything is bound to perish, except the Face of our Lord. So, the eternal love is only that which is for Allah (swt) and from it all other kinds of love are blessed.
“Whatsoever is on it (the earth) will perish. And the Face of your Lord, full of Majesty and Honour, will remain forever.” (Surah Ar-Rahman, Ayah 26 to 27)
The ways to increase our love for Allah (swt) are plenty including knowing more about Him by learning His names and attributes and how they impact our life, remembering Allah (swt) in every situation, obeying His commands and upholding the Sunnah, reciting the Quran with reflection and understanding, performing voluntary acts of worship particularly Qiyam Al Layl in the last third of the night, preferring what Allah loves over what you love when your desires are stronger, acknowledging the uncountable blessings and favors of Allah on you, keeping company with the righteous people who fear Allah and staying away from everything that creates a barrier between your heart and Allah. We can even make this dua asking Allah (swt) to instill His love in our hearts,
“Allahuma inni as’aluka hubbaka, wa hubba mayn yuhibbuk, wa hubba amalin yuqaribni ella hubbik.” Which means, “Oh Allah, I seek Your Love, the love of those whom You love and the love of deeds which bring me closer to Your Love.”
Ameen.
The merits of those who love for the sake of Allah are related in a Hadith Qudsi narrated by ‘Ubada bin As-Samit (RadiAllahu anhu). He said, “I heard Allah’s Messenger (sallalahu alayhi wasallam) quoting His Lord (azza wajal) Who said: “My love is established for those who love one another for My sake; and My love is established for those who spend money for My sake; and My love is established for those who visit one another for My sake. (In fact) those who love one another for the sake of Allah will be at pulpits of light in the shade of Allah’s Throne on a day when there is no shade but His shade.” (Hadith Qudsi, Musnad Ahmed)
Al Wadood, The Most Loving
Allah (swt) is the Most Merciful towards His slaves. One of His beautiful names and attributes is: Al Wadood, The Most Loving. This name is found in two places in the Holy Quran.
“And ask forgiveness from your Lord and turn to Him in repentance. Verily my Lord is the Most Merciful, the Loving.” (Surah Al Hud, Ayah 90)
“And He is Oft-Forgiving, the Loving.” (Surah Al Burooj, Ayah14)
He is the One Who Loves His Prophets and Messengers and the believers who obey His commands. They in turn love Allah (swt) and He is more beloved to them than their own self. The hearts are filled with love and gratitude towards Allah and tongues are moist with His praises. Such hearts are at rest whilst remaining attached to Allah (swt) and turning to Him with love, sincerity and repentance.
Allah’s Love is endless and eternal, as well as intense. His love is a love that is continual, ample, and vast, and translates into the blessings He gives us, from a simple breath we take to the greatest blessing of Islam.
So how can we live by Allah’s Name, Al-Wadood? There are three important factors we need to fulfill:
– to acknowledge and believe that Allah loves His slaves.
– to fill our hearts with a sincere love of Allah and free from the love of the material world.
– to love others (spouse, family, friends) for the sake of Allah (swt) alone without selfish expectations.
Let’s remember to teach our children about Allah and His true love to protect them from the misery of unproductive love, by Allah’s Will. Sometimes a little pain is good for us to prevent us from greater pains in future.
Ask a dentist next time he prescribes root canal to a patient and he will bear testimony to the truth in this statement.
Conclusion
Allah (swt) is giving even when He is withholding from us. He gives us lessons and hidden blessings when He withholds from us that which we desire. Whatever we may have gained or lost, it’s a blessing from Allah (swt) and there is good in His Decree. Let us adopt patience, even if we were unable to do so before, offer gratitude to Allah (swt) for whatever He has blessed and protected us from and for teaching us about the right way of loving. Protect your heart from falling in the wrong type of love, be merciful and guide those who may be suffering from it. If your heart has been broken, hand over the pieces to the Maker of the Heavens and the earth and put your sincere trust in Him. He’ll heal your heart and bring about that which is best for it.
Out of His Mercy, He can bless us with the ability to love His creation in the right way and grant us a place in Al Firdaws, where the hearts shall eternally remain in the company of their beloved, InshaAllah. That is why our goal should be that destination. There is true happiness and contentment; that is life.
“Verily, those who believe (in the Oneness of Allah) and work deeds of righteousness, the Most Gracious will bestow love for them.” (Surah Maryam, Ayah 96).
May Allah (swt) purify our hearts and guide us to beneficial love sincerely for His sake. May He (swt) make this article a source of benefit to many people, Ameen. Any good in this article is from Allah (swt) alone and any mistakes in it are solely from me. All praise is due to Allah (swt), Lord of the Worlds and peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), his family, companions and followers.
Author’s Bio:
Nabila Usman is a Dubai based freelance writer and a mother. She used to work as a Journalist/Media Executive and then transitioned to an Islamic Education school teacher in Dubai and has a combined work experience of over two decades. In 2011, she won the ‘Young Journalist Award‘ from the Dubai International Film Festival. She studied journalism at Middlesex University in Dubai and did a short course in Creative Writing at University of Oxford – Department for Continuing Education.
