dandelion black and white Short Reflections

After 28 years of endless longing for human warmth, acceptance, and approval I still feel as empty as ever! I still find myself running at the same pace with the same void— running after people I want to make happy. The running train of thoughts keeps asking, “Where exactly did I  go wrong?”  whenever I disappoint one of them. Where did I lose hope? Why is there no end to this marathon? After all I had always put all of me, and the best of me, into the struggle.

Breathless while running, a wind of change struck my soul. I met my Lord on a hopeless path, miraculously. Obviously it was not heavenly, as I’m still residing in the world, but this “wind of change” was a wake-up call. I started to realize and understand the answers as to where I was going wrong. I realized that a void in my heart could only be filled by the remembrance and love of my creator!

I was born on fitrah and forgot it as I grew old. Neither was I reminded of it. My own soul became deluded. I still was weak. So I found refuge in aiding myself with the piercing power of a dua, because I have rummaged through many obstacles with the help of this magic wand.

Although it didn’t work as I’d expected it to— I didn’t suddenly wake up a world with no heartaches, everyone happy with me and telling me how much they loved me to be a part of their lives. Rather it all got way too complicated. I was grasping for their love, approval, and khair more and my heart kept getting weaker.

My heart doesn’t understand the language of math. I guess my heart was destined to break more often, piece by piece, bit by bit. Such a shame! Even dandelions have more power to hold themselves together. At least for a while…
This was definitely not what I asked Allah for! Rather it was something I wanted to run away from! The heartaches, disappointments…  I was very clear and simple in my demand to Allah!

But the more the heartaches, the more I longed to turn to my creator for healing. The serenity after every heartbreak was getting soothing every time. I started to stand stronger after every hit.

The heart-breaks got stronger and the frequency intensified with my increasing determination. But I’m sure this will mend soon!  With the taste of the sweetness of eemaan, I will heal…

 

[Remaining article can be found here @ understandquran.com (where it was originally published).]

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A soul juggling between the roles of a mother, wife, daughter in law and a student of deen and dunya. Currently a student of Islamic Psychology at IOU. With a hint of space in-between, I occupy myself in arts and crafts, photography, writing my heart out and sewing. I keep looking for more to do and explore. Always in search of contentment, finding it nowhere else but in Allaah.

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